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Tuesday, October 11th, 2005
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For those who read the last post, I am doing more work on the subject but that is it for now, anyways.
Glad to know that some of you are quite happy from hearing of me =p I do kind of miss doing all of this and talking to all of you as well. I may just be cheap and do tiny posts but I suppose it is better then nothing ^_^. So yeah, I am going to try and keep something small going here.
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Sunday, October 31st, 2004
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So it seems that I am not one to keep up with these journals. Maybe now is a time where I should stop them and least acknowledge that I am so any one who does read these will not have to keep on coming back here, I will leave it up until it expires for anyone who wants me email, aim, yahoo, or any other information it contains. Thanks for the good times and fun while it lasted ^_^ Hopefully I will hear from some of you in the future on chats or wherever else. Now, let our souls depart.
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Monday, September 27th, 2004
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This weekend wasn't all that bad. Went to the fair and was able to see becca again, though I know it is one of those very few times throughout the year that I actually will be able to. It was realy great to see her. Didn' spend as much money as I thought I would have but that alrights, more money for other things later and helps me for saving ^^. Though I would have liked to get more swords then just the one that I got. They were only $35! So cheap and even if I didn't want to keep them I could have just auctioned them off on ebay. Oh wellz.. not much I can do about it now. Since there was this other person who also got the same sword I did, when I went to pick it up, the girl there asked me if instead of picking it up then, since they thought they had two but they didn't, if I wouldn't mind it being shipped to me and since it wasn't supposed to go like that I would also get a free gift as well. I didn't mind so it be all goo. There were so many other things I wanted to buy. kweh... They should have given me a $1000 shopping spree that could only be used at the fair :p Then I know it would be gone in a flash... bardering though would be at hand and I would get alot more for me money ^_^
Yesterday was... sleep... resting... eating... lil work (very lil though I should have done more)... internet... more eating... more sleep... EXCITING HUH!?!?!
Breathe the breath of life
Live your life by dice
Die a death for price
Soar thy spirit from strife
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Thursday, September 23rd, 2004
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Bloody mornings.. how I despise them so. Two dam tests today in which one I don't tink I am ready for and a lot of work for a project in group for fri that needs to be done though I know we can finish tomorrow... I want to try and get everything on my part done so we can form it all tomorrow. I just hope the others have pulled through on their part :/ It looks like they will though from what I saw last week. Next week is finals for AIU and I know those should be a breeze. Not much studying for those I dont tink. Then the week after I have off from those and I plan to just sleep and play games for a long time each day ^^. Of course I will have to get me work done for the other classes, but hopefully it won't take long at all.
After sku this fri I am SLEEPING. True, I normally say sleep isn't needed... and it's not... but when you don't have the normal amounts of food you normally get, then sleep is wanted in place of it. Kweh... me body is worn out... will someone rejuvenate me? A revive spell might be nice in hopes it will fully recover me. Then some food would be greatly appreciated as well ^_^
I miss all me games as well. I realize more and more how long it has been since i really have had time to play them. Not to mention there are some games I reeeeeeeally want but worry not on buying. Probably cuz I know I won't be able to play them much. The PSP will be quite the nice but kinda sucks since you wont be able to play the normal sized games. I tink they should make an outside small device that can run them and then you can hook it up to the machine. Don't know if that will work to well though, but it would be nice. I needeth more time. Do any of you have a time stopping spell?
Those who seek divinity, seek their own destruction.
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Tuesday, September 21st, 2004
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Time has passed once again and still I have yet to move.
So where to begin once again from this never ending journey...
School has been going insanely goo for the past while, The big project for one class is almost done and just needs to be fully put together with a lil more work ^^ and AIU for this quarter is over next week <(^-^)> though that does mean I will need to study for the final for both classes and most likely I will procrastinate as always :p Then there is the project that I just stayed up till 3 in the morn last night/this morn of course with someone else online since it was also group cuz not everything was emailed right or somethin and we had to get alot of work done last min... there are more of us in the gorup. I believe 12. and everything wasn't exactly up to par from each of them... though it was mainly one guy who didnt turn it in.. the others I guess cant blame since they said they emailed it and they all seemed sincere bout it so it's all goo. Other classse as english, and two other pewter classes are all goin norm though I do need to get workin on that research project for eng :/ but all will be well with it.
Entertainment side of it all - Resident Evil Apocalypse is a MUST see, though I was a lil dissappointed with the fact that nemesis wasnt as big of a part, but it was great none the less. I must go see Ghost in the shell as well. I know Ill be going to a fair this sat and knowing me with them cheap prices Ill spend a shiz load of money and hella lots of tings.. prob random tings sometimes too lol And went to six flags magic mtn two sats ago.. yikes.. been awhile since post :p and that was hella fun. Got to see a friend that I dont get to see too often ^^ and met some other of her friends.. oh ya.. pimpin it i was. XD Me plans for vegas... downfall.. but must still plan again.. if it jus wasnt for that one person, one whom we were goin up to see, didnt go out of town.. all would be well.. but that led for res evil so i guess it all goo. *yawn* still tireds out.
So I rest once again as I lay down in the dark abyss where I am surrounded by nothingness.
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Monday, September 13th, 2004
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Is this really me though? I partially agree.
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Sunday, September 12th, 2004
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So the internet is back up
But this night is just one that should end already. I have no objective nor do I seem to even get a glimpse of a care. A dark point in my life is where I am.
Never stop believing, that is what I have always said. Problems lie in this with is indirect uses. some things should not be believed in or would have a less likely reasoning to believe in it since not all things a probable to what we need or should live in. The beliefs should be within yourself to define you rather then believing in everything. True, anything is possible, but unto the eyes of an individual it may not be possible so and they may not want it to be so why then believe in something that you do not desire and wish to never happen. So to believe it is true and accept the fact that it is a possibility or knowing it is a possibility and believing there is a way to prevent it? Maybe never stop believing is still enough to leave on its own if you take into the fact that believing can be taken into unlimited ways and to believe in yourself or for something else whether it is for side to want it, keep it going, stop it, or prevent it, it is still in the end believing and should never be stopped. If we never believed again, dreams would be shattered and hopes would be no more along with our future since we control it and without those beliefs it will become nothing but a mindless set routine. To think this is ever possible would be scary. Though there are still so many who do not believe anymore in anything thinking all is lost. If that were true, then this world would not even be here anymore. Even for those who have started to give up, there is a life for them out there as long as they are willing to search for and take it never giving up and never stop believing. as going through this in my mind, I know, even sometimes it feels as though we are alone and no one cares and our energy is just lost without a will to go on, that so many do care whether you see it or not and alot of problems occur in our daily lives but as long as we help each other up and build with one another and never let go with our given right to live and look into ourselves and see there is so much more then emptiness for we are individuals banded together with a belief that should all be the same if not multiple beliefs of that we must live for ourselves and build higher and higher out of our depravation into a life with limitless opening and improvement with each of us holding up one another.
Almost feels like i speak of perfection amongst the given state from which we live in. Then I come back to that same point once again and see anything is possible as long as we never stop believing. Not to mention the conflicts we may have with one another. Just deal with it already. It is who they are and their opinions so let them be and respect that and move on with your life instead of putting aside meaningless time to quarrel with someone that isnt even your enemy. The past is the past and we need to recognize that. That is not to say that we need to be all happy happy about everything that has happened or even become friends with those who have hurt us, but take it as it is and do not dwell upon it so you can move on just as the prosecutors should as well. It is just like death. When we are dead, we cannot change that, complain, or take revenge upon whatever force that caused our death. When you are dead, your are dead and nothing more is to be said. Given, we do not know what happens after death, but why worry about the unknown since we cannot change what we have no idea what it is. Just like our future, we can do things now that can form our future but when that time arrives we cannot change it since it then becomes the past and we cannot step farther into time then come back manipulating those events. What is going to happen will. End of story. We have a destiny but are not pre-destined.
Maybe there was more I wanted to say or maybe in a different way, but my thoughts come to me as I go and this is what became of them.
So my thoughts of now end here.
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Wednesday, September 8th, 2004
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This bloody bites, I can't even get on the dam internet at home ne more and the problems are unknown to me since we set up the router through me brothers pewter and he wont tell me whats wrong what so ever so I cant even begin to try and help. He once again figures I know nothing about computer :/ So now I must wait until he takes it in and lets someone else look at it and figure out whats wrong. Loser face :p
On the other side of tings, this weekend was hellza fun goin out all nights and stayin out till early mornin times.. quite the nice. Going to a party this fri I hope and also magic mountain this saturday then sunday is kind of up for grabs. Week after.. Vegas Baby ^_^ Goin up there jus to chill and have a goo time meetin some friends and doin whatever the hell we feel like doin.
School is the downside to most of this. I need to get back into what I used to do and wake up at some 5 or so and start working out so it will get my body up and goin and it's the best time to work out since its mornin time. Im at 21 units for sure now and going to two diff skus. One of which I have to leave the house by 7 just to get there by 8 cuz of that dam bloody morning freeway 405 traffic *sigh* At least me other college is much closer and I dont have to be there as early either ^_^ Though I hate this one easy as hell computer class cuz no one in there has any common sense considering we have those dam ppl askin the same types of questions over and over about the simplest ting for emailing or what id to use.... hellz.. for the first assigment, all they had to do was submit their email on a site and they couldnt even do that right... kweh... but life must go on.
Ive noticed I suck at keeping a constant posting on me journal then i bore the hell out of ya with these long ones :p but I do kind of well for others for me to comment on ^_^
Also, the whole deal with me and becca just being friends... much better now <(^-^)>
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Thursday, September 2nd, 2004
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So it has been done... as hard it was and as hard a I know it was on her... it has been done. I had put it off for so long and containing what i truly felt but I wasn't able to take it any more. So... i sucked it up even though it hurt like hell and my heart was in pain, I finally got it out and told her my true feelings and now we are just friends. Breaking up with Becca was hella hard to do and if anything, I am afraid more so of how she is doing and taking it all since I can't stand hurting my friends and especially the ones I care about so much more then others. As they say though... such is life... and life will go on. Through this all.. alot of pressure has been takin off of me now and I am doing alright.. It was much harder at the time of the action then it is reflecting on it. In the end though... in my mind... I know i made the right decision and things are hopefully going to be alot better. Nothing has been nor will ever be regretted from what was done or being with her and I thank her for those times we had... it was great while it lasted... just for this time in my life with so many things going on... it would have just gotten harder and I dont know how much more i couldve taken of all that.
On the lighter sides of tings, heres a lil somethin ive been workin on...
Its been said
many times
many ways
every place
that a hero, will come
and save the day
Through times of love
and times of hate
these are all times
that we must relate
and come together
in unity
The peace is dead
and our
souls must ascend
into the hearts
of our existing
lives
Yes we're the ones who
the only ones who
can save us from this
strife.
I started makin this and it's supposed to be some sort of song and I partially took a lil out from another song i knew.. the part where it says "yes we're the ones who, the only ones who" It just fit well with this and I like the way it sounded so I used it since it the first ting that came to mind. It doesnt have the whole rhyming part with it well... but if its ya sing it the way I made it to be, it goes quite well... It's not finished what so ever but Im not sure where to go with it at this point and time either, but we shall see later on. Hellz, if any one wants to help and tink and give some comments on it or maybe some help with more to put in it.. go right on ahead ^_^
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Sunday, August 29th, 2004
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Finally went through everything and fixed my computer to get it back to normal and all functions operational ^_^. Stayed up most of the night to do it as one act towards progress sometimes led to drawbacks as well. Had to deal with getting all the internet sites working like hotmail.. along with that norton had some activity probs so had to fix that as well... then when i finally thought i had it all working right, i restarted me pewter to find that the internet wasnt working at all... bloody pewters *shakes fist*. So since it wasnt the connection but a small file i believe that was permanently deleted, i tried restoring it... didnt work... restored it to the beginning this time and all systems go <(^-^)> So all is well now except the small problem with the p2p networking like soulseek, dam freezing and i dont tink its cuz of too many tings downloading or the sharing files which i must take off... lil more work and should have everythin done.. hopefully ne ways.
I have a mid term tomorrow and its basically a hella lot of the components within the pewter and outside of it as well... I guess I will see how much i really know, and only reason why I have a midterm now is cuz me first sku goes by quarters. Oh so much fun it be :p
Silent but deadly :p
What is really true of everything?
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Monday, August 23rd, 2004
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So solemn is the judgment that lies upon thy hand
the keeper of me wisping away through times sand
Lapsing time jumps in front of his very eyes
regretting seeing the past how quickly it flies
Watching him sink slowly beneath into the dark
ending the journey from a destined embark
Last to hear the drops of water across his face a dew
remembering that last image of a shaded blue
Forgetting he shared the fate he created alone
believing he was the one to cast the first stone
One alone raises himself casting all else aside
leaving but a heart of stone to be kept inside
I felt my presence no longer needed to keep whole
a life of greed and lust is a life not needing a soul
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Wednesday, August 11th, 2004
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Identities concealed within the palm of my hands
creating, changing, while withering away
Individuality on their own they cannot stand
forgetting who they were while walking astray
I hold you now as though you were my own
shape shifting part by part until formed anew
thoughts of perfection have chance to be shown
losing forever who is the real you
Though happiness causes your internal bleed
forsaken memories dearly held aside
dripping tears heaven sent from your dying creed
not I was it choosing to run from fear and hide
Creation from imagination, deadly baby
tears from fears, fantasy reality
I am not yours but forever you are mine
I watch your time crumble so I remember
I answer your life pretending all is fine
I lied from your choices making me your creator
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She stood there
waiting wanting
creating her image of me
she mocked me
knowing hoping
he wasnt there
I led her
believing
dreams are meant to be shattered
thought mattered
decieving
my torture
Never begin
forgetting
memories of past unfold
truth be told
diverging
forever sin
I have saved you
you began understanding
shadows brought her his light sin
sins fallin
falling creating
I create you
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GOIN TO TEXAS AND YOU CANT STOP ME FROM BEIN THE SWEALTERING HEAT TO DIE IN SO :P. SO IF YOU SEE NOTHING NEW IN MY JOURNAL ITS EITHER CUZ IM BACK AND STILL TOO DAM LAZY TO WRITE ANYTHING IT OR IM STILL THERE SO IN OTHER WORDS ILL BE AT NORM THE WHOLE TIME ^_^ AND YOU BEST BE WISHING ME LUCK IN MY BOWLINGNESS OR ILL SIT BACK AND BE EVEN MORE LAZY THEN EVER... LATES ALL
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Now I wait here till the night becomes at its end
wandering... waiting in my mind the desires that could never be fullfilled
a day or two maybe one more later was supposed to have a joyess send
until i come to realization that the expected will just be spilled
pouring and draining out of me the will i sought to overcome
it begins to take over me with a force as always unseen
lying down in my own pitful hopes of this filthy slum
these are the days that i shouldve forseen
wanting... needing only for my selfish likings i feel it be
leaving my heart vunerable with expectations that will never be true
why cant i just accept it and begin to finally see
that deep down inside or even subcontiously i mean nothing to you
for why would these times occur ever so often in my life
over and over the promises are meant to be broken
i know this yet i lure myself into my own trap of strife
so maybe i should just sit still and from here on never spoken
giving up is always the easy way out but is it right for me too
now as always it seems there can be no other way
hope and chance i shall not leave though i dont know if it will come new
considering it hasnt from then, nor now, most likely not any day
ill give one more chance as i always do
wondering... waiting... for maybe that one day
when change is at hand so i may once more believe in you
and life will be what it once was and for this i pray
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Dream my alteration which is seeking annihilation
Destructive urges flow from my hearts desires
Deep thoughts of the world in my creation
Down poor the rain of eternal fire
Damned are we for the process of elimination
Drunk by pride through our misery
Deprived of truth covered by fascination
Derailed out of loves false security
Desolated angels fall from heavens association
Demon child afflicting hells torturing fire
Decree of pain silence savagery annihilation
Diverging paths persuaded by a lyre
Deluded wants flooding us with illusion
Dying souls transverse fantasy to reality
Darkened are we for irresponsible fusion
Dead are you now along with me
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The rivers have become the streams
The sun has become only gleams
The tide of the ocean has become uncertain
The rocks on hills have become moutains
The thoughts in my head have become scrambled
The minds unexperienced have been rambled
The universe tossing and turning
The alternate reality now spinning
The blindness in the souls darkens all
The empty spirit makes everyone fall
The riptide The sunrise The moonlit night
The absence The wrong The right
The people The animals The nature
The unknown The seen The feature
The way of it all, so much resistence
The uncovering of it all, our existence
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Help with Jenny's new cause!
go to ljuser="homeless_chic"
She's cool! I swear by it.. you all know tyhat I wouldnt lie about such a thing as being cool... cuz we all know that being cool is like benig a llama... cuz llamas are cool... and *whispers* she put that first part in there.. so you dont really even have to pay attention to thatr at all unless you are a nice person and nice people do nice things like help so go help jus cuz i said so.. and sorries again since i rarely write... im jus too dam lazy.. or i jus plani ol forget... and ya.. gots to go.. and ya.. and ya.. and ya ... and ya.........................................................................................................................................................................*jumps up*..................................................................................................................???.. ^_^
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So maybe the last entry really wasnt anything but the point of the matter is... exactly... It's still kinda akward for me to be writing in here since half the time I dont even remember anyways, but now I actually kind of want to since a certain someone named Brittany wanted me too... and plus I kind of wanted to anyways but didn't really have much of a reason to begin with but now I do. So now the question is... what the bloody hell to put in each time??? Im sitting here during lunch time writing this chatting away as I just ponder off into this obsinity blankly wondering about nothing except the every word in which i write on this here journal that can easily just be corrupted or deleted by some unknown person to me from the hacking ways leaving me created more and more journals that will soon just come to an end leaving this whole process that I am talking about now pointless and useless to my life as we know it which makes me wonder to what reasoning do I truly have for typing all this in when it is just words and thoughts that roam through my mind to be read by others and maybe be commented on in later times and farther in those time I may not even come back to these ever again as I let my past stay behind me and never remind myself of what was then from what I will have become in those future times but then I think (by the way... what is thinking like... I just hear others use it so I use it as well to make it all make sense ^_^ ) of all the good times that I had from these years in school and the friends I had and hopefully many in which I still hope to have later on as well so I have stories to tell, though I dont know if they will mean very much when I become older and I want to tell those young little children about my boring old days as they stare blankly at me after trying so hard to smile for the longest time so that they can make me feel good about it all since the only thing keeping me alive will be those stories along the resperator and the tubes in me feeding me so I don't have to chew like homer did when he was in the hospital and then he started complaining that he had to work to breathe while the other guy was on a machine and maybe I'll have one of those too because we all know how lazy I am so I'll just complain about it long enough to make the nurses give in and put me on it but making sure that it is one that I can carry around with me wherever I go just like the whole food thing that I will have to make sure is trasportable so I can go wherever just like I have to go now or else I will be late for class then that wont be good which means I make my leave... Until the next rambling ^_^
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unnaturalsoul's journal
confused.